Sex, Drugs, And Bubblegum Pop, is our most outlandish column to date. Written by Mr. Jayce, vocalist for Secret Secret Dino Club and all-round funny guy, this column isn’t as much about the music as it is the experiences people in the music industry have.
WARNING: This column does and will continue to contain content some readers may find offensive. If you don’t have a sense of humor, this column is probably not for you.
“I want to thank youuu”- The chick from the Eminem “Stan” video with the softball haircut
Because this week’s column falls on thanksgiving, I figured I would share some nice thanksgiving memories for everyone to cherish.
In my town, the night before thanksgiving is the biggest bar night of the year. It’s when everyone from high school goes out in the same American Eagle button up shirt they wore to the 10th grade homecoming dance and wear copious amounts of Adidas cologne with hopes to hook up with that hot girl from high school that got kinda fat. I kind of despise going out with people from my high school. It gets weird because most of them went to college and are sad because they can’t get a job teaching 3rd grade with their degrees. They end up working at the Gap. So my job seems pretty cool, and people act really strangely towards me, which makes me act like a total dick.
I got pretty wasted on the top floor of the bar in my town that sells 40s of OE. I was having some fun, and it was dark so I couldn’t see how fat or bald my high school had gotten. I hadn’t puked yet but it was pretty inevitable. The bars close at 4am here, so it really encourages binge drinking. Once I left the bar I was kinda puking in my mouth. The valedictorian of my grade drove me back to my house, and I remember saying some pretty insane things. Once I got home I was pretty wasted and ready to go to bed at about 430 am.
I walked inside and everyone was awake for some odd reason. My mom said “Surprise, we are going to the Macy’s day parade! Get in the car!”. I was not siked one bit. In fact the idea of going to the city on thanksgiving was making me sicker than the gallons of alcohol I had consumed. I had a 4 hour bus ride to get undrunk and start to get hungover. However, I did have a nice day with my family which I don’t get to see as much as I would like.
Last year, I was writing in LA on thanksgiving. Most people had the day off, but they put us with some foreign guys who don’t celebrate thanksgiving. I celebrated myself by bringing a whole bunch of beer and trying Swedish Snus, which is a really strange tobacco packet you put in your mouth. Apparently it’s all the rage in Sweden. The Snus made me feel really dizzy and strange and I puked in the bathroom of the house we were in. Then a famous British pop star came over and annoyed the shit out of me, so I left. Ended the night at my brother’s house with his wife’s family picking glass out of the mac and cheese, because the dish had exploded in the oven. I like the element of surprise in my thanksgiving meal.
I hope you guys have a wonderful day with your families, friends, or pets. Be thankful for what you have, but don’t thank people who don’t deserve thanks. In fact, call them and unthank them.